The Personal Touch, by John.

I've read quite a bit about both personal and impersonal touch. I want to confine my thoughts on the subject to the personal touch of two people whether in public or private. Touch is important to convey many feelings such as the importance of what is about to be said, to convey affection, friendship and love. A touch can simply be no more than an attempt to get attention, or it can mean, "Let me speak." Some people use too much touch, and some don't use enough. Hand touches are the ones I want to address in the main. Please remember what is true in the USA may, and probably will, be different in other countries. This should set the scene for the next paragraphs.

Perhaps the first thing we need to consider is that all the people we meet have an area around themselves they consider their own personal space. All are sensitive to anything and anyone moving into that area. Some people almost cringe if someone even suggests they will touch them. Others think nothing of touching as long as it doesn't signal aggression.

Hand touches are considered very personal when they are between opposite sexes, but they may not be at all. Some people greet both relatives and friends with a hug. Of course that involves much more body language than hands alone, but the hands do come into play as part of the whole touch. If during a hug the hands stroke, or pat, they can convey differing meanings to different people. Strokes can mean signal love, or perhaps real affection. The recipient may misread such a signal and consider it to mean sexual attraction, or they could be correct in their assumption. A hug with light pats may mean the one doing the hugging wants to get it over with as quickly as possible, or it may signal affection. Alternatives like these reveal how easy it is to misinterpret the signal.

A tap on a person's arm or shoulder in passing usually means friendship. It also means, "I'm not looking for a conversation right now." A person standing still and giving such a tap means, "I want to talk to you personally." If the hand remains on the other person's arm or shoulder, it generally means, "I need to say something to you as soon as you can take a break from what you are doing." Repeated tapping usually means the person is getting a tiny bit anxious.

When a person grabs another person's arm, it usually means, "I can't wait! I want your attention right now! Give it to me!" If the grab becomes a hold, it usually means the same thing except it indicates, "I'm not going away until you give me your undivided attention and hear me out!" Facing and placing your hands on each of another person's shoulders indicates you want their undivided attention while you deliver some very important words.

It should be obvious that almost every touch can have a different meaning for the one doing the touching. By the same token, the person receiving any of these signals can easily misread them, and for that reason we need to be careful with how often we use them. I've already said that each one of us has a personal space that we guard dearly, and too many intrusions into that space become annoying and eventually result in a turn off toward the person who uses them. Those making interpersonal communication have to constantly be on guard to keep from alienating others. We usually think the things another says and the actions we see alienate us from them, but touch is so much more personal and deserves our greatest care. I remember a minister who preached some things in a sermon once Sunday night to which one deacon took exception, and after church he told him so. The preacher then began a tirade to the deacon, and the deacon turned away. The preacher jumped around in front of him and continued to rant. The deacon turned away again, and the preacher jumped in front of him again. Before he could speak the deacon doubled up his fists, and said, "Preacher! If you say another word, I'm going to knock you out!" The preacher was stunned, and replied, "Sir! You wouldn't strike a man of God, would you?" The deacon answered, "No! But I'd sure hit the devil in the face!" Both were friends of mine, and I knew both were serious. I still don't know which one was right, but I do know the preacher wisely backed away. That was a gesture the deacon understood and accepted.

Touches also can be confrontational. A finger pointed at another can mean the pointer is accusing them of something, or that they are angry. If the pointed finger strikes the other person's chest, it means they are ready to render bodily harm. That's a touch too much, isn't it? When a man hits another on the shoulder, it may just be a form of "Hello!" If it is hard enough, it means, "I'm really displeased with you, and I'm ready to do something about it if you aren't careful!" It is a signal for the person hit to be properly apologetic, or to face the consequences.

A gentle touch, an undemanding attitude, a relaxed smile and body can quiet others displaying anger, can comfort those who are in mourning, and give encouragement to those who are frustrated, sad, or in the throes of failure. All of us fit into those categories at some time in our lives. Part of being a Christian peacemaker is to work at giving the right signals to those around us. It doesn't sound hard, but it is because none of us are perfect. Perfection, I read in something recently, to the Hebrew people is not a matter of being sinless, but a matter of being complete, whole, satisfied with the life you have. How accurate that is, I don't know, but I do know such a life is likely to be much happier than one constantly on edge, pushing to get ahead, pushing for popularity, pushing for wealth, and I now believe one of the greatest Christian qualities is a willingness to forgive others whether they deserve it or not. I believe it is worthwhile to learn how, as Dale Carnegie wrote, to win friends and influence people. A gentle touch moderately applied may be the starting point.